It was when Keir Starmer claimed never to have had a dream that I knew we were dealing with potentially one of the funniest prime ministers Britain had ever seen. Sure, some people would have been amused by the magnetism for calamity exhibited by Theresa May, the almost comedically unbelievable mendacity of Boris Johnson or the downright absurdism of Liz Truss, but a really funny prime minister is the one who demands to be taken seriously, and particularly one who is convinced that he has forced the British people to do so.
The shallow majority, the largely unimpressive parliamentary party, the “bastards” who betrayed him, the total lack of ideas and the obvious personal failings will now all be touted from various quarters as reasons that led this farce to unravel quite as quickly as it did. For what it’s worth, I think it was clear from the first couple of months. There were multiple signs early on: Lord Alli, Southport, the clucking anger at PMQs when it became clear the job wasn’t the walk in the park which he’d spent the last five years implying it was.
The prime minister we were told the nation needed turned out to be the one it deserved
But whatever caused it, now it’s all over. Like the mediocrities before him, Starmer leaves amid what is now a set piece of absurd theater: the Downing Street lectern man, the vultures of the press licking their lips, the few members of the cabinet still talking to the outgoing prime minister standing behind and wondering which title they’ll take for their peerage, the interruptions by the appalling Steve Bray, a man as funny as pancreatic cancer, who thinks that blasting music out of his giant speakers is the height of political commentary.
People may enjoy this piece of evolving ritual, but it seals Britain’s reputation as the Italy of the 2020s. Even the weather appeared to have got the memo, though it still remains a hell of a lot easier to get a train between Rome and Milan than it is between London and Manchester, as Andy Burnham may be about to find out.
But for now, the stage is Starmer’s, his “meep meep” of adieu. He claimed in his brief speech that he was going with “good grace.” Lord Hermer – who must surely be googling one-way tickets to The Hague now that his protector is gone – called his speech “a moment of extraordinary dignity.” The legacy project is already in full swing; he is being painted as a statesman gone too soon: the creation of the myth of the Noble Starmer is now underway.
Of course, there are things one might point to as vaguely positive in Starmer’s time. His support for Ukraine, his refusal to get involved in Trump’s Iranian adventure, his giving David Lammy a platform by way of a national morale boost. But the rare moments of wisdom are so obviously outweighed by the outright cowardice and mendacity as to be totally eclipsed.
It’s very hard to be a statesman when you see no value in the parliamentary system or its 900-year-old history and visibly dislike both politics and the electorate, when you instinctively prefer “Davos over Westminster,” in his own words.
Picking a low point is tricky. Implying that people, even those protesting peacefully, who were understandably upset about the violent murder of little girls at a dance class were basically a sort of British prototype for the Sturmabteilung was hardly statesmanlike. Nor was his claim that those who wanted an inquiry into grooming gangs were jumping on “a far-right bandwagon.” The Chagos debacle, Mandelson, the constant air of a harassed pig trying to escape a confined space. Any of these alone really should put him in the Heath-Callaghan-Balfour body of PMs; when combined, they put him much more in the Eden-North-Truss category.
In the three-minute speech, Starmer claimed he left the country “far stronger and fairer.” This vague statement of abstracts will be his touted legacy. It wasn’t that he didn’t try for a more concrete one; but his efforts to ban kids from YouTube and to usher grannies into the suicide booths have all so far been frustrated, in part because his innate personal failings have made persuading his party and the public impossible. Yet it feels odd that he’s claiming to have transformed the country in such a short time, not least because it feels just as doomed as before but with a higher quotient of suicidal farmers, an even less coherent constitution, a number of ancient educational institutions shutting their doors and a welfare bill so engorged that we can no longer defend ourselves.
There will be much commentariat-painting of Starmer as exhibiting decency, competence and integrity. It probably doesn’t feel like that if you were one of the people he pushed under the bus to save himself, it probably doesn’t feel like that to the pubs and businesses and farms and schools shutting down, it probably doesn’t feel like that if you’re a Chagossian, or a military veteran, or a rape gang victim. Indeed, aside from vibes and the fact that he is “like them,” it is very difficult to see where those who laud Starmer as decent, competent and having integrity have got the idea from.
That perhaps is Starmer’s real legacy: to be the man who embodied more than anyone else the vast gap between those who govern and the governed. The prime minister we were told the nation needed turned out to be the one it deserved. Most deliciously of all, Starmer has embodied the absolute reversal of Blair by proving, even in his departure, that things can, and will, only get worse.
Badenoch blasts 'moaning' female Labour MPs over Burnham jobs 'quota'
The Tory leader lashed out today amid reports that female MPs are demanding the de-facto new prime minister introduce a 50:50 gender split 'quota' in his government.
Amid reports that former foreign secretary David Miliband is being lined up to return to the role, possibly with his brother Ed as Chancellor, one female minister also complained that Burnham could not have 'more Milibands than women' in the top posts.
But in a scathing article in the Times today Mrs Badenoch told them to 'stop moaning' and get chosen on merit instead of retreating into 'more of the failed identity politics that is holding back our country'.
'There are many, many reasons why you shouldn't have any Milibands in the cabinet,' she said.
'But complaining that the boys haven't given them the right jobs or that the boys are taking all the jobs, just shows that Labour's women still don't get it.'
The idea of quotas was also attacked by Baroness Jacqui Smith, Labour's Skills Minister.
Asked by Times Radio if Mr Burnham should reserve jobs for women, she said: 'No, I think what Andy Burnham should be doing is building the very best team around him to change this country.'
A letter written by the Women's Parliamentary Labour Party has called on Mr Burnham to ensure a 50:50 split between men and women in government jobs
Amid reports that former foreign secretary David Miliband (above, right, in 2010) is being lined up to return to the role, possibly with his brother Ed as Chancellor, one female minister complained that Burnham could not have 'more Milibands than women' in the top posts
But Mrs Badenoch told them to pipe down and get chosen on merit instead of retreating into 'more of the failed identity politics that is holding back our country'
A letter written by the Women's Parliamentary Labour Party and seen by the BBC has called on Mr Burnham to ensure a 50:50 split between men and women in government jobs after he succeeds Sir Keir Starmer.
'We are asking you to demonstrate this change from day one and address the toxicity and misogyny within our own party and government,' it said.
Labour has never had a female leader, while the Conservatives have had three, and Mrs Badenoch urged the government to follow its meritocratic example.
'If you run a meritocracy, then you do not have to worry about jobs for the boys,' she wrote.
'Every woman who is a Conservative MP, every woman who has ever won the leadership, has had to fight to get where she is.
'By contrast, Labour women are demanding guarantees from Burnham. But the truth is he doesn't have to give any guarantees.
'If none of Labour's women are prepared to get their hands dirty and challenge him for the leadership, their demands are toothless.'
'In fact, it's quite revealing that the women's parliamentary Labour Party has written to Burnham asking him to commit himself to at least 50 per cent female ministers.
'This has nothing to do with meritocracy. It is yet more of the failed identity politics that is holding back our country.'
Venezuela Fury and Noah Price subsidising their life by livestreaming
Venezuela Fury and her husband Noah Price look to be making their own way in the world by raking it in from their lucrative social media accounts.
The influencer daughter of Tyson and Paris Fury, 16, has become an internet sensation after tying the knot with her husband Noah, 19, earlier this year.
Since getting married and moving in together the couple have been earning thousands of pounds a month, livestreaming their life as newlyweds in their static caravan in the East Riding of Yorkshire.
And fans can't get enough of their regular life updates on TikTok and Kick, which have proved to be very profitable for the pair.
They look to be supporting themselves after Noah denied that he was given £5million by Venezuela's family as a wedding gift.
Despite his wife's huge family wealth, an estimated combined £160 million, Noah recently told his Kick followers that he 'pays for everything' for the couple.
Making light of the claims about Venezuela's millionaire financial status, Noah said: 'I actually pay for everything unfortunately. You'd expect the millionaire to pay for it wouldn't you.'
Venezuela Fury and Noah Price are earning thousands livestreaming their caravan life - after her new groom insisted he pays all the bills and denied he had £5m handout from her dad
The influencer daughter of Tyson and Paris Fury , 16, has become an internet sensation after tying the knot with her husband Noah, 19, earlier this year
Venezuela then asked their fans: 'Do you think I am a millionaire?'
Noah joked: 'She isn't a secret millionaire guys', before she broke into song and sang: 'But I live like a millionaire!'
But it seems according to estimated calculations from their social media work, Noah and Venezuela can more than afford to support themselves.
Noah has been livestreaming on platforms such as Kick and TikTok, where viewers can send paid gifts or donations.
He was previously encouraging viewers to send gifts on his honeymoon during livestreams, suggesting this is one revenue stream.
Both Noah and Venezuela have built substantial followings on Instagram and TikTok. They can potentially earn money through sponsored posts, brand collaborations, affiliate links and creator payouts.
Kick allows its creators to take home 95 per cent of the £4.99 subscription cost that fans pay.
Streamers keep 100 per cent of direct tips and donations, minus minor standard payment processing fees.
It is unclear how many subscribers Noah currently has because this information is hidden, but he does have 7,200 followers which is publicly viewable.
An industry insider has suggested Noah is making around £400 per video on TikTok, while Venezuela is likely to make £2,000 due to her following count of 1.3 million.
An industry insider has suggested Noah is making around £400 per video on TikTok, while Venezuela is likely to make £2,000 due to her following count of 1.3 million
In one video on their honeymoon, Noah asked his followers if they'd give them some more gifts now that they were married.
In a TikTok live viewed by 20,000 he said: 'Keep liking our videos people, keep sending gifts.'
After saying thank you to several of his followers he joked they should stick around on the livestream and 'watch Venezuela punch me in the mouth'.
The other half of the honeymooning couple said: 'I am, honestly!'
Noah previously confirmed that the pair don't share their finances after they were asked whether they have a shared bank account.
'She earns her money, I earn mine,' said Noah, as Venezuela joked: 'Yeah, what you gonna do about it.'
Noah went on to debunk the rumour that Tyson gave him £5million when he tied the knot with his daughter as he insisted: 'No Tyson did not give me £5million'.
Meanwhile Venezuela is being eyed up by executives for a fly on the wall TV series.
Noah went on to debunk the rumour that Tyson gave him £5million when he tied the knot with his daughter as he insisted: 'No Tyson did not give me £5million'
Boasting 1.3 million TikTok followers, Venezuela is already entertaining fans with her honest musings and candid moments, from cooking to kitting out her and Noah's static caravan home.
And following the success of the Netflix series At Home With The Furys, it is no wonder bosses are wanting to draw on the Fury popularity.
A TV insider said: 'The couple are not A-list celebrities but everyone has become obsessed with their love story.
'People are genuinely intrigued by them. Whether it’s the fact they have married so young, Venezuela’s famous family or their gypsy lifestyle, they have the ‘X factor'.
'Several TV executives think a proper fly-on-the-wall series following their lives as newlyweds in the gypsy community would be fascinating,' they told The Sun.
It is thought Netflix would be likely to produce the series due to their already established relationship with the Furys.
Venezuela's representatives told The Daily Mail: 'We have many offers on the table regarding Venezuela which we are discussing.'
Madeline Grant
